From initial contact to completion: the mediation process step by step
Divorce has a major impact. It turns your world upside down. Whether you make the decision yourself or are confronted with it unexpectedly, divorce brings with it many emotions.
At the same time, all kinds of practical and legal matters need to be dealt with. In such circumstances, constructive and connected communication does not always come naturally. Yet that is exactly what is needed to reach workable agreements together.
Mediation allows considerable scope for a tailored approach within the applicable legal framework. Together with the lawyer-mediator, you remain in control of the process and the pace at which you work towards arrangements dealing with the consequences of your divorce.
But what does mediation actually look like in practice? How does it begin? What happens during the meetings? What is recorded, and when? And how is the process completed through the court? In this article, I take you through the mediation process step by step, from initial contact through to completion.
How does a mediation process begin?
The mediation process usually begins with an initial email, contact form or telephone call from one of you. If mediation appears to be an option, I send you information about my working method and the conditions on which I can assist you as a lawyer-mediator. I also provide the rules of conduct of the vFAS (Association of Family Lawyers and Divorce Mediators), of which I am a member, together with a model mediation agreement. We then consider whether mediation is appropriate for your situation. We go through the contents of the mediation agreement and I answer any questions you may still have about the process.
The mediation agreement states, among other things, that mediation is voluntary and confidential and that we will communicate respectfully and transparently.
Once you are ready to begin the mediation, we sign the mediation agreement.
What is the difference between the mediation agreement and the divorce settlement agreement?
The mediation agreement is entered into at the beginning of the mediation process. It contains agreements about the process, such as confidentiality and how we communicate transparently and respectfully with one another. The divorce settlement agreement is drawn up at the end, once agreement has been reached, or nearly reached, and contains the substantive arrangements concerning the consequences of your divorce, for example maintenance, the division of assets, the financial settlement and pension equalisation.
How do the meetings during mediation work?
We usually have three to six joint meetings, each lasting approximately one and a half to two and a half hours. I conduct these from a neutral and independent position and prepare written records of the meetings.
During the meetings, each of you has the opportunity to tell your side of the story. For example, I may ask how you experienced the relationship, how the decision to separate came about, what is important to you for the future and how you envisage that future.
Where necessary, I help to get the discussion moving again so that there is room for constructive consultation about what needs to be arranged in practical and legal terms. This may include:
- the care of the children;
- the home;
- the business;
- other assets and debts;
- the financial settlement;
- your financial future.
For this purpose, I ask you to share all relevant information with each other and with me.
As a lawyer-mediator, I provide you with information about the legal framework and possible routes towards a solution.
From there, you work step by step towards arrangements that you can both support. Do you have minor children? If so, we first work on the parenting plan. We then focus on drawing up the divorce settlement agreement.
What if one of you wants to stop the mediation?
Mediation is voluntary. The mediation process can only continue if you both support it. You are therefore free to end the process if, for whatever reason, that is what either of you wishes to do.
As lawyer-mediator, I may also decide to terminate the mediation myself. I may do so, for example, if I see that the discussions are no longer making constructive progress. This prevents the process from simply continuing when there is no concrete prospect of a solution.
What happens once you have reached agreement?
Once you agree in principle on all or most of the issues, I first set out those arrangements in draft form.
Once we have established that you both properly understand what the arrangements mean and have consciously chosen to enter into them, the settlement becomes final when you sign it.
I then arrange completion through the court if you are married or in a registered partnership. Court completion is optional if you are unmarried and are not in a registered partnership.
One advantage is that, in most cases, completion through the court takes place entirely in writing and digitally. You therefore do not need to attend court yourselves.
How are children involved in the mediation process?
Children do not attend the mediation meetings. Nevertheless, their interests are central to the preparation of the parenting plan. As parents, you should involve them in a way that is appropriate to their age. As part of the court process, minor children aged eight and over are invited to share their views with the judge. The invitation is optional and there is no obligation to respond. Children may write a letter or attend court for a conversation with the judge if they wish.
Deed of waiver of appeal
Once I receive the court order, I send it on to you and ask you to sign one final document: the deed of waiver of appeal. By signing it, you waive your right to appeal against the court order and ask the municipality in which you were married or in which your partnership was registered to record the court order in the civil status registers. This speeds up completion of the divorce process. Once the registration has been processed, the municipality sends me confirmation of the date on which the court order was registered. That is the date on which your divorce officially becomes final.
Why choose mediation?
No two processes are the same, but these steps give a good indication of what you can expect. Mediation allows considerable scope for a tailored approach. Together with the lawyer-mediator, you remain in control of the process and its pace. Compared with court proceedings, mediation is often quicker and can be more efficient because you work together towards a solution.
Does this approach appeal to you?
It is useful to know that I do not do this alone. We have several lawyer-mediators, enabling us to provide you with support that suits your situation.
In short, from initial contact through to final completion, I guide you throughout the entire process.
Would you like to know whether mediation is right for you? Please feel free to contact me or one of my colleagues for an initial meeting without obligation. We will be pleased to explore the options with you.
Frequently asked questions
about the mediation process
How many meetings are usually needed in a mediation process?
The number of meetings varies from case to case, but on average three to six meetings are required. This depends, among other things, on the complexity of the arrangements and how quickly you are able to reach agreement together. Meetings usually last between one and a half and two and a half hours.
What happens if we reach an emotional impasse during the mediation meetings?
This happens regularly and is a normal part of the process. The lawyer-mediator helps to restart the discussion in a constructive way and maintains a balance between both parties. Sometimes a short break is taken, or a topic is set aside and revisited later.
Is everything we discuss during mediation really confidential?
Yes. Confidentiality is a fundamental principle of mediation. For example, anything discussed during the meetings may not be used outside the mediation process in court proceedings. This is also set out in the mediation agreement. This does not prevent you from sharing information from the mediation with your own advisers. They, in turn, are also bound by confidentiality.
Can we amend the arrangements in the divorce settlement agreement at a later date?
That depends on the arrangements that were made. If it later emerges that the mediation proceeded on the basis of incorrect or incomplete information, or if there is a relevant change of circumstances, for example concerning income or the children, arrangements relating to child maintenance and care may be reviewed. The position may be different for arrangements concerning division and set-off if, in respect of those matters, you entered into a settlement agreement as part of the divorce settlement agreement.
The divorce settlement agreement will generally contain a dispute resolution clause stating that, in the event of disagreements about the arrangements made and/or changes of circumstances, you should preferably seek a solution by mutual consultation, if necessary once again with the assistance of a lawyer-mediator.
When is the divorce officially completed after mediation?
In the case of a marriage or registered partnership, the mediation process is formally completed once the court has granted the divorce or ordered the dissolution of the registered partnership and the court order has been registered with the municipality. That registration is a necessary final step. You are officially divorced from that date.
